


The Heart Cannot Go On As The Heart Always Does

by HeidiErickson (orphan_account)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Basically everyone ships Outlaw Queen, Between S4A & S4B, Everything Hurts, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Supportive Marian, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Zelena does not exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6451213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/HeidiErickson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't sleep for the first six nights. Neither does she. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees him. While life is moving on, their hearts are still bound to each other, and without each other, they feel like absolutely nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Cannot Go On As The Heart Always Does

**Author's Note:**

> Set during the 6 weeks between S4A and S4B. Zelena never happened, okay?? (This was originally posted on FFnet basically right after the S4A winter finale, so I didn't know about the whole Zelena debacle . . . #stillangryaboutthat)
> 
> Originally posted on FFnet under the same title and pen name. :-)

He doesn’t sleep for the first six days.

By nightfall, they reach a small town much different from Storybrooke. The smell of the sea is gone, far away from them.

She’s left him money for him and his wife and child, enough dollars to last a month or two. The privilege of wealth she has is a luxury he can’t afford to squander, so he counts the money carefully, making sure they have enough to get by for as long as possible.

They stay in a cheap, but decent motel the first night. Marian sleeps peacefully in bed, but no doubt she’s fraught with pity for her husband.

Roland sleeps like a log, his body cocooned in a ball under the sheets of his bed.

But he stands by the window, all night. His fingers brush the heavy curtains slightly to the side, and he watches the moon move from the east horizon to the west. The stars twinkle in the midnight sky, and blurs through his gaze as they cloud over with tears for the hundredth time.

The sun rises, its peak painting the sky pink and orange, igniting the day. He waits for Marian and Roland to awaken, and they go to breakfast in the motel lobby together.

And then it’s other day of traveling on foot.

By sundown, they reach the borders of a bustling city. AUGUSTA, the strange green signs say. They find the nearest motel and stay there.

Robin searches for work to do while Marian stays at the motel with Roland.

Luck finds him by the end of the week. A wealthy man finds Robin’s list of qualifications convincing, and offers him a good price for finding his wayward son, guilty of theft.

Robin finds him in no more than two days, his skills as a tracker not lost on him. He uses his experience as a thief to relate to the young boy, and encourages him to return to his father with the stolen money.

Robin returns home with enough money to last three months. His former client promises to refer him to other people in need for a bail bondsperson.

The word _bail bondsperson_ sets Robin off. His throat wells up, but he nods simply and goes off.

Didn’t Regina tell him about Emma’s past job? Even the mention of Emma Swan makes him remember Regina. Not that he doesn’t think of her, anyway. He does. She is the reason he lies awake at night, staring at the blank ceiling, and in the day, he uses his job not only as a means for providing for his family, but also to keep his mind off Regina.

On the seventh morning, Marian warns him fearfully that she heard from the neighboring resident of the motel say if one didn’t sleep for more than six days, dying was highly likely.

Robin promises to try to sleep. For Regina. He won’t let Regina lose another love to death.

That night, Marian brings a music box borrowed from the neighbor, and she turns on a lovely piece played by someone called Mozart. She smiles at Robin and offers anything else.

Robin wants nothing else than to be with the woman he loves. He smiles back at Marian nevertheless and shakes his head gently.

Within an hour, he is asleep. But it is not a dreamless sleep. He dreams of a woman with deep brown eyes and a rosy mouth framing a beautiful smile. A smile he sees every time he closes his eyes.

The smile fades, and the warm glow in her eyes die. And then he sees her sitting alone in the corner of her vault, weeping, her knees drawn up to her chest and her hair, dark and glossy, hiding her face. And Robin tries to go to her. He tries to run to her and wrap his arms around her small body and never let go. But he is stuck, his hands pressing hard against an invisible wall, the same wall blocking Storybrooke from him.

“Regina! _Regina!_ ” He cries, but she doesn’t hear him. He pounds at the wall, hating the wall, hating everything, hating himself for letting this happen. Hating himself the most for being the reason she cries in that corner.

A soft hand on his arm awakens him, and he finds himself in a cold sweat. His wife leans over him, her eyes alight with concern. Robin relaxes, a long exhale escaping his mouth ad he pats her hand, reassuring her that he is fine. (He’s not.)

And the cycle begins. He goes to work at first light, searches for whoever being is elusive to his employers, whoever owes a debt, whoever needs to pay for a crime. He eats at different strange “fast food” restaurants, roams the city and explores, makes casual friends at the motel, and comes home to a laughing Roland every night. Marian cooks for all of them, and they watch a television show or two before Roland dozes off to sleep.

And Robin puts on a false smile for both of them. He hates hurting Marian, hates himself for hurting her when she knows someone else holds his heart. Roland asks after Regina occasionally, and Robin answers that she is fine and that he doesn’t know if they can see her again. (Roland has more hope than his own father does.)

His nightmares finally leave him after a week. But he still dreams of her. He dreams of holding her in his arms, nuzzling her hair and neck, kissing her soft lips, and stroking every inch of her body. He dreams of walking with her by his side, taking Roland to get ice cream or Granny’s. He dreams of watching Roland feeing the ducks as he wraps his arm around Regina’s shoulders, them gazing at their picture, _their page 23_.

He dreams of how he could have met her. That night in the tavern, he wishes he could have had put down his mug and turned around to see that vision in white flicker away from the door. He wishes he could have had followed her and held her close, never to let her go forever.

He whispers her name in his sleep. If Marian hears, she understands.

Life goes on. But his heart does not.

* * *

 

Regina returns to Granny’s with Emma to finish their shots together. Hope has been restored in Regina, but there is still that eternal abyss of fear in her heart that battles violently with the hope which eludes her so easily.

Henry goes to Regina’s— _their_ —home to play his video games before bed, and Regina promises to be right behind him. She and Emma remain in companionable silence as they down three more shots, and then they part ways. Regina remains thankful that she has found a friend in the savior, as unlikely as it seems, and impossible to imagine if she knew this would happen two years ago.

She goes to sleep with hope tracing her lips into a smile.

The next morning, she rushes to the town line, regretting ripping _their page 23_ into pieces and just leaving them there. To her dismay, but not surprise, _their page 23_ is gone, likely blown away by the breeze. She cries into her hands and goes to her vault for the rest of the day. Henry finds her there after school and lets her cry on his shoulder as he pats her back, whispering words of endless hope that Snow and Charming would give her. Regina does not fault her son for this; it is clearly a genetic trait, a trait she is loath to admit she secretly admires, as impossible as it does seem from time to time.

That night she goes to Granny’s, and downs shots with a red-eyed and downcast Belle. Regina tries to pull a Snow and pats the heartbroken wife of the Dark One’s hand awkwardly. Belle finds the gesture unusual but accepts it, and eventually spills all as Regina listens. Anything to keep her mind occupied rather than dwelling on her lost true love.

Last night, she was, childishly, pleased that she wasn’t the only one who was miserable. But Rumple is a villain, and so is she, and if he has lost his happy ending forever, then isn’t it fitting that Regina should lose hers forever?

Belle disagrees. Unlike Rumplestiltskin, Belle admits, Regina does really try. Tries to be _good_.

(Regina still doesn’t believe her.)

She goes home and sleeps a dreamless sleep, but she wakes up with cracked skin on her cheeks, a result of untended tears.

She stays home reading Henry’s storybook, weakly desperate for some hope. Henry begs her to come with him to the secret library room in that mansion. She goes.

They’re there well long after dinner. (Regina conjures up a pizza and even enjoys it, agreeing with Henry that even messy can be delicious.) By dark, they return home with no clues found. The room had nothing but blank books.

Henry suggests writing in them; maybe if Regina writes her own happy ending for herself, it will happen. She disagrees firmly, concerned that the author may sense changes happening to _his_ —or _her_ —or _its_ —property, and be angered. But she has a suspicion that the author of the book may live in town. (The mansion is a part of Storybrooke, isn’t it? She reasons.)

Henry reminds her not to lose hope. Regina promises not to. (But won’t be easy.)

The week slowly passes, and there is no change. Henry switches back and forth between Regina’s home and the Charmings’, but Regina’s mostly. (Baby Neal still keeps him up at night with his wailing.)

Regina cooks to pass the time, reads to pass the time, watches television and movies to pass the time. She even takes walks with Snow and baby Neal to pass the time. She gives Henry horseback riding lessons. Anything to pass the time, and to keep her mind off _him_.

The second week comes with dreams, dreams Regina does not want. (She does.) She dreams of him, of the man with the lion tattoo, the man who’s invaded her life, her home, her body, and most of all, her heart. She dreams of Robin’s rough hands cradling her head, weaving his fingers through her hair. She dreams of that beautiful smile he gives her every time he sees her, that smile she knows she doesn’t deserve, but he gives it anyway. She dreams of her hands sliding up his strong chest, his arms that hold her close, making her safe and warm. She dreams of his kisses, those kisses that leave her light-headed and smiling like an idiot. She dreams of him saying he loves her, and she wakes up with stifled sobs, careful not to wake up her son in the next room.

She tries to avoid sleeping after several nights filled with visions of Robin’s intense blue eyes and his deep dimples. In those dreams, she could almost reach out and feel the stubble of his beard and smell the forest on his clothes. And that only brought her pain, because it was not real.

She stops sleeping. Stays up all night nursing several cups of coffee and watching random Netflix shows, even the most low quality ones. She makes herself as presentable as possible each day, hiding her fatigue throughout the day. But by the fourth day, people start to catch on.

Henry tells Emma. Emma gathers Tinker Bell and even invites Belle, but she declines. So Emma drops Henry off at the Charmings for the day and trick Regina into coming with them to an “emergency council meeting”…at a spa treatment Ruby hosts at the inn. Regina acts like she hates it, but when Emma drops her off at her house later, she whispers a _thank you_ before leaving the yellow bug.

That night, she sleeps peacefully for the first time since her night with Robin in the vault.

But it is for only one night, for the next several nights are fraught with nightmares that leave Regina writhing around under her sheets and sweating and moaning softly.

She dreams of her mother first. She dreams of that night in the stable, when Daniel died, but it is Robin who kneels in his place, gasping in pain and Cora crushes his heart. She dreams of Robin dying in terrible ways, as awful as a car crash to heartbreaking as a cancer. But it that isn’t the worst of it.

She dreams of Robin moving on. She dreams he eventually forgets her until she is nothing but a whispered name from the past. She dreams he falls back in love with Marian and they have the life together that Regina would want.

And she hates herself for being so selfish. (She’s always hated herself anyway.)

She wakes up with the sun in her eyes, the morning dawn peeking through her bedroom windows. And with a ragged breath, she gets up to face the day.

Life goes on. But her heart does not.

**Author's Note:**

> Did that punch you in the feels?? I hope so. I mean, I hope not!!! I mean . . . ah, why don't you tell me so you can share your tears with me?? Or you can punch me right back in the feels, too, if you like. This fanfic still hurts, even after 15 months. BAAAAAW. :'-(
> 
> Thank you for reading!! :-)


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